Please don’t ever show this letter to my mom and dad. I’m trying to keep a positive persona but there are things going on here on Mars that I just have to tell someone. If you know…we die up here, at least I told someone. I know, you’re pissed at me for leaving. I remember that fight we had, don’t you think I’d forgotten. You were telling me I was being rash because Evan had just broken up with me and I was looking for an escape. Well, I got one, I’ll tell you that much. This was quite the escape. I think I got over the beauty and the wonder quite some time ago. It was fun to star gaze. Eventually though, when I blinked, the stars were still leaving impressions on the inside of my eyelids and that’s when I knew I was immune to their beauty. My memory was tattooed and it just all became common knowledge and the wonder was gone. Do you think you can become immune to beauty? I think Evan became immune to my beauty. Once he wasn’t nervous around me anymore it’s like he hardly noticed me at all. Maybe I was a challenge to him. Maybe I was just flesh. Skin, bone, beauty and nothing more.
He passed the test you know. When I shut my eyes and I imagined us 30 years in the future trying to deal with not having enough money to pay the mortgage, he was still there standing right next to me. And he was smiling. Because he knew we’d get the money somehow and he was able to see that money wasn’t what put smiles on people’s faces. Or at least, it shouldn’t be. I guess I imagined growing old with him. And you know it’s a really hard thing to imagine so young. And it’s scary. To mentally give your life to someone because they don’t know. They don’t know you’d trust them with everything, and you know lately I’ve been feeling like love is scarier to people than it is flattering. If you tell someone you love them they feel more inclined to run from you. I don’t know what it is. Maybe they don’t want the responsibility of caring for another person. Maybe they don’t want the responsibility of hurting you.
There’s a guy here…from the south that told me if I “don’t shut my trap” he’ll “fill it with” well a certain body part of his. It’s horrible. He rants on and on about how weak we are saying, “I’ve taken shits that were more painful than losing a limb, this is nothing, you weak sons of bitches.” He’s an awful man. Everyone wants him out, but there’s nothing we can do. So we just sit there, and we take it. I’ve fought with him before, verbally I mean. He doesn’t take me seriously. “You listen here, my little princess. I don’t know how they ran things over in your big ‘ol City of Angles but y’all don’t know; I’ve seen devils in my city.”
I sleep with one eye open.
Mira, I wish you could see the view. I wish it could be appreciated like it was the first night we landed here. It’s really quite the shame. Does everything lose its spark?
Talk to you soon,