i felt a lump in my left manboob yesterday

i checked again—the lump’s still there

(a manly way to go)

can men even get breast cancer?

(why are you grabbing your manboob in the first place?)

i was soaping it in the shower

(you haven’t showered in three days)

i rub my nipples when i masturbate sometimes


i could be a corpse a year from now

(you’re fine. now go take out the trash)

how does oblivion feel?

(death is the ultimate corner-cutter)

eternal unconsciousness sounds relaxing

(you’d never have to figure out how the hell a 401k works)

impending death would make my conversations more interesting.

(never have to get that lumpy body in shape)

i’d never be disappointed by another series finale

(never have to talk about the mortgage in a gray office)

never have to watch another friend fade away

(never have to stare slack-jawed at your tax form year after year)

never regret not making a move on the girl with the outer space leggings

(never have to put that novel in your head onto paper)

seriously, I should’ve made a move

(never have to take out the fucking trash again)

i’d never have to take out the fucking trash again

(go take out the fucking trash)

i’m busy

(there’s still life in that flabby sack of flesh)

okay, google, can men get breast cancer?

(the nsa is laughing at you)

sounds like it’s rare

(i’m laughing at you)

still, they’re saying i should see a doctor

(you’re fine)

could be a cyst

(you’re fine)


(you’re fine. the trash can awaits)


4 thoughts on “i felt a lump in my left manboob yesterday

  1. After taking out the trash, and being prodded by medical examiners, I suggest you make a move on that foxy young woman you mentioned. Regret is a bitch that seldom stays silent, whilst mutilating any chances of happiness.
    Very well written Sir! Funny, yet stirring. Intellectual, yet ludicrous. Realistic, yet bizarre.

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