How to Win in Rocket League

  1. Grab some friends and don matching top hats and waffle antennae for camaraderie.
  2. Lose—hard—when your camaraderie slams face-first against a wall of actual skill.
  3. Ditch your friends—they were only holding back the god inside you.
  4. Keep playing after a win. Ride the streak to glory.
  5. Keep playing after a loss. Ending on a loss is bad for morale.
  6. Keep playing after you’ve watched the sunrise out of the corner of your eye on a Tuesday morning.
  7. Keep playing after your teammate tells you to “kill yourself you piece of shit you’re terrible.”
  8. Avoid windows and light bulbs when throwing your controller across the room.
  9. Learn the art of misdirection. Hand the blame off to your teammates, network issues, your controller, the alignment of Jupiter and Venus.
  10. Tame the rat that claws your insides after every point given away.
  11. Celebrate every win like finding a quarter on the sidewalk.
  12. Feel every loss like your family was slaughtered in front of you with a machete.
  13. You have to want it good god you have to fucking want it more than you hate those bags under eyes more than you hate your beer gut more than you hate hearing your boss’s voice bring you back to earth this is your last chance all those pinches on your childhood cheek all those gold stars they have to mean something you were a smart cookie you can do anything you put your mind to they said you have value you have value you have value
  14. Remember to have fun. It’s just a game.

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