I Don’t Want To Write

 

It’s not ink that spills in pages
But blood, my blood
Garnished from limbs
Splattered into words

 

Do you want to hear it?
How I chase after each hard-on,
Stick my dick into every guy
To fill what? A dark hole of passion
Implanted on my torso
From a fuck who never called back

 

The pastor damned faggots to hell
His words directed at me
Neither the masturbator, nor the drunk
Nor the disbeliever will be held
By the delicate hands of Christ

 

Neither will the delicate hands of
My mother, brother, father
Or of a lover
The only hands I feel are my own
That bruise after every poem
Bleed after each climax

 

Do you love hearing that?
Depression, fear molded into one
Boy framed into a body of man
And is my art of gods or of damnation
Or of methamphetamine factories?
Does my pain make you sigh
Make you cry, get your dick high?

 

I don’t want to write
I make a whore out of myself
Wrapping out the pain from my liver
Blood-stained tissue pulled out of me
Like endless confetti
You can pull too, until I am no more
No organ no bone no fat
Only shredded skin and a vague memory

 

I don’t want to write                  (It’s scary)
You scare me
I scare me
Words scare me
Existence damns me
You damn me
I damn me
For loving writing – the grand pain
Inflector
That vomits lust and fear
That will never end
Until I end.

I Write Suicide Notes

I write suicide notes in rhyme
Damning cancer for touching you
Damning my inert flesh that
Hasn’t yet teased death

Damning the silence around me
The suffocating hugs, catastrophic
Warmth of pity
Bodies after body
(Never yours)

Damning the religious dogmas
That promise false realities of us
Having a sequel

When I think of you, I see a smile
I see your sun-yellow beanie
Glowing against darkness
Your hands reaching out,
I stumble, never making it
(To you)

There was a war in your body
Made by chance

There is a war in my mind
Made by choice

You directed your last days to live
I waste mine praying death

Death promises a flee from the dreams
Of you telling me not to worry, safety
In your bedroom, ripped off from existence,
I want shelter there, I want shelter
In your voice, to lay
In your bed and watch movie after movie
Never caring for images on the screen but the
White space, the warmth, between us as we
Live a similar experience

I write suicide notes that you’ll never read
That no one as meaningful as you will ever read

I don’t need to write
I don’t need to live
I need to remember
I need to die
I need to die there
(In memories of you)

Climax

The cigarette finished
Its corpse dispersing into the air

Pink lips expose brutal teeth
Tongue sneaks a taste inside

Hands hold together, I follow yours
From the heart, to the stomach, to the cock

Zipper unloosens, I see its
Presence, eager and throbbing

Mouth opens
Feeling an unknown weight inside

It’s your grace
Ready to implode inside of me

Hands hold the back of my neck, a moan expels
While my throat is pushed

Caressing my hair, your dirty hands touch my face
I await a climax